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You said you’d love me.


You don’t even know me, not the real me, and I’m sorry but I’ll never show you who I really am.

And why would you love the part of me you actually do know?

When you told me you’d love me I felt surprised, very awkward, very confused and a bit flattered.

You know I’ve never been and never will be good at this entire feelings-thing.

I did not know how to react.

I never know.

Emotions confuse me.

When I’m talking about quantum-physics, no one ever understands it, they say it’s too complicated to understand.

For me it’s perfectly clear.

It’s easy.

But when it comes to emotions I, with all my intelligence, all my mind which is called brilliant by many, am completely helpless.

I always find myself completely unable to understand.

Such things are illogical and you can’t solve an illogical riddle with logic, I know that.

Logic is all I have for solving problems.

So I stood there entirely confused, unable to figure out how to react, what to say, because this is foreign territory for me.

And I ended up with all I was saying was: oh.

I hope my reaction didn’t upset you.

Because I like you.

You’re one of my best friends.

You’re like a brother to me.

But you never have been and never will be more.

You knew that of course, when you confessed me your love.

You knew I’d never love you this way, I’m aromantic asexual after all.

And even if I weren’t…

I’m still sorry, somehow.

Maybe I just don’t want to lose the friendship we have.

I don’t know, as I said, I’m not good with feelings, not even my own, so how can I understand the ones of the people around me?

Especially this thing called love.

I don’t want the love of people.

I think I once did but I can barely remember that time.

All I want is their respect, maybe friendship, when I’m lucky.

But not love.

Love makes them cling and I can’t stand that.

Blame it on my almost frantic strive for independence or my strange attitude or whatever.

Well, we won’t be seeing each other for a very long time.

I will be at the other side of the earth.

Maybe this was your reason to tell me now.

And I find myself wondering if you were afraid of my rejection.

You knew I’d never return your feelings.

Did you still hope?

Does it still hurt?

From what I’ve heard it hurts if the object of your desire doesn’t return your love, even if you expect that.

And I’m very sorry, it was never my intention to hurt you, my friend.

You told me you’d love me.

And I have not the slightest idea why.

It’s very difficult for me to deal with other people’s feelings and react without overstepping boundaries or hurting them.

I often hear that I seem to be cold and emotionless.

I am not, I just hide my emotions.

I think my reaction to your confession seemed like that too and again I’m sorry.

I just don’t know it better.

I really hope that you understood that I was simply confused and uncertain because I had to learn once more that mere intelligence isn’t enough.

I’ve got no idea how to reject someone without hurting this person.

Is that even possible?

I don’t want you to be upset.

Even if I don’t want your love, I accept your feelings.

And whatever all this means for our friendship, what effect it may have, you can be certain of one thing:

You will always have my deepest respect.
A friend confessed me his love. I was completely bewildered and now I was thinking about my reaction the rest of the day.
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FreiheitInTraumen Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I hate it when this happens.
Chicken-Yuki Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2013   Traditional Artist
On an awkward side tangent, this is giving me a little confidence that I am able to write real/believable personalities.

On this directly, I at least like how straightforward it is.

And even though these particular circumstances aren't so common, I think it can also speak to to those who've had a friend that has fallen in love with them, but are unable to appropriate it.

...Man, I'm wordy.
27FreeGal Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2013
Thank you, I'm really glad that you liked it!
fujoshianimechick Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You know, this is very similar to me right now, except replace "quantum physics" with "biology."

People tell me I'm very empathetic and warm, but I just freeze whenever someone admits their sexual attraction to me. That seems to be the one thing I can't understand about people, so it's even more awkward when it's directed at me. I somewhat understand romantic attraction, even though I'm not sure of my romantic orientation, or if I even have one.
27FreeGal Featured By Owner Jun 25, 2013
Glad you like it! By the way, biology is great too!!!! It's soo awkward when someone confesses his love to you and even more when it's a close friend...
I wasn't really sure of my romantic orientation for a long time either. Having found it makes many things easier but unfortunately not this...
fujoshianimechick Featured By Owner Jun 25, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Biology IS great! I'm majoring in it right now. I've noticed that bio majors tend to HATE physics, but physics majors don't mind bio.

It is so awkward, isn't it? But when you communicate effectively, it becomes easier. And luckily, my friend was very understanding and respected my space, so we could communicate well.

I know, right? I know I'm not strictly aromantic, but it feels as though I'm fully heteromantic sometimes, hetero-flexible romantic other times, demiromantic other times, and completely aromantic other times. I'm not even sure if when I'm feeling hetero- romantic , I'm actually just squishing on those people. The two times I've ever felt attracted to someone, I haven't been sure if it was romantic, and it definitely wasn't sexual. Both were very close friends of mine. I'm tentatively calling them squishes, but I'm wary of using labels. I do feel romantic attraction to fictional guys quite a lot, though. Like UGH, Y U NO REAL?
Naelianne Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2013
I really love the way you wrote it. It's simple and clear but with so much to say. In a way it's nearly what's often on my mind. That's weird, not knowing how to love, or how it's supposed to work, I always feel like I missed the day that thing was installed on people. ^^
27FreeGal Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2013
Thank you soo much. That's exactly how I'm always feeling. It's like my brain region for things like that is missing or otherwise occupied...
Naelianne Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2013
You're very welcome. Yeah, that's totally it, like something missing. Like even if I want to work on it, there'll always be a doubt, or something that will restrain me from enjoying it. I'm glad I'm not alone feeling that way, sort of...
Mkota Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2013  Student Writer
I like this. It was clear and, easy to read. It speaks volumes.
27FreeGal Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2013
Thanks, means a lot to me! :)
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Submitted on
June 24, 2013
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