You love me

You said you’d love me.

Why?

You don’t even know me, not the real me, and I’m sorry but I’ll never show you who I really am.

And why would you love the part of me you actually do know?

When you told me you’d love me I felt surprised, very awkward, very confused and a bit flattered.

You know I’ve never been and never will be good at this entire feelings-thing.

I did not know how to react.

I never know.

Emotions confuse me.

When I’m talking about quantum-physics, no one ever understands it, they say it’s too complicated to understand.

For me it’s perfectly clear.

It’s easy.

But when it comes to emotions I, with all my intelligence, all my mind which is called brilliant by many, am completely helpless.

I always find myself completely unable to understand.

Such things are illogical and you can’t solve an illogical riddle with logic, I know that.

Logic is all I have for solving problems.

So I stood there entirely confused, unable to figure out how to react, what to say, because this is foreign territory for me.

And I ended up with all I was saying was: oh.

I hope my reaction didn’t upset you.

Because I like you.

You’re one of my best friends.

You’re like a brother to me.

But you never have been and never will be more.

You knew that of course, when you confessed me your love.

You knew I’d never love you this way, I’m aromantic asexual after all.

And even if I weren’t…

I’m still sorry, somehow.

Maybe I just don’t want to lose the friendship we have.

I don’t know, as I said, I’m not good with feelings, not even my own, so how can I understand the ones of the people around me?

Especially this thing called love.

I don’t want the love of people.

I think I once did but I can barely remember that time.

All I want is their respect, maybe friendship, when I’m lucky.

But not love.

Love makes them cling and I can’t stand that.

Blame it on my almost frantic strive for independence or my strange attitude or whatever.

Well, we won’t be seeing each other for a very long time.

I will be at the other side of the earth.

Maybe this was your reason to tell me now.

And I find myself wondering if you were afraid of my rejection.

You knew I’d never return your feelings.

Did you still hope?

Does it still hurt?

From what I’ve heard it hurts if the object of your desire doesn’t return your love, even if you expect that.

And I’m very sorry, it was never my intention to hurt you, my friend.

You told me you’d love me.

And I have not the slightest idea why.

It’s very difficult for me to deal with other people’s feelings and react without overstepping boundaries or hurting them.

I often hear that I seem to be cold and emotionless.

I am not, I just hide my emotions.

I think my reaction to your confession seemed like that too and again I’m sorry.

I just don’t know it better.

I really hope that you understood that I was simply confused and uncertain because I had to learn once more that mere intelligence isn’t enough.

I’ve got no idea how to reject someone without hurting this person.

Is that even possible?

I don’t want you to be upset.

Even if I don’t want your love, I accept your feelings.

And whatever all this means for our friendship, what effect it may have, you can be certain of one thing:


You will always have my deepest respect.